


Undisclosed Desires

by Tarshil



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Gay Romance, Gay Sex, M/M, Male Slash, Slash, Warning: sensitive religious themes, Yaoi, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 22:39:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10371342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarshil/pseuds/Tarshil
Summary: Graham/Setsuna. Setsuna's over twenty years old but dregs of his past conditioning and trauma dictates his social life. A chance encounter with an old enemy is about to change that. Graham Aker's passion has always roused Setsuna's in battle.





	1. Sex

**Author's Note:**

> A review brought to my attention that some readers might misunderstand a few things because I don't like to shove ideas right into readers' faces. Putting the pieces together from reading the characters' experiences should gradually form those ideas. Nevertheless, let me clarify that, yes, Setsuna is atheist just like in canon. However, his trauma in having murdered his parents when he was brainwashed into extremist Islamic teachings causes flashbacks of his Islamic past, his parents, his conservative homeland, the terrorist group he was in, which are triggered when someone touches him. 
> 
> The actual discomfort he feels from a woman's intimate touch stems from his homosexuality, not any religious or sexist views. He's sexually attracted to men but he's not realized it yet, so his confused mind wrongly associates the discomfort he feels to the evil deeds of Ali Al Sachez.
> 
> Let me elaborate: his discomfort mixed with the extremist and brutal Islamic conditioning by Ali Al Sachez who had raped people in front of him (terrorists and extremists who misinterpret the Koran for their own agenda believe that women who don't cover themselves deserve to be raped). He's also haunted by the image of his mother begging for her life and misses her terribly. All of this causes him to have issues with sexually liberal women at an emotional level. Not because Islam says it's a sin but because he himself sees his mother in women and wishes to do what he should have done from the start, respect and protect his mom. Those feelings closely resemble his father's early teachings so he recalls them every time he feels that way. 
> 
> All these things he will be overcoming throughout this story as he identifies and fights his past demons and prejudices and explores his own sexuality with the help of Graham.

Wrapping his scarf around his lower face to shield it from the night's biting cold, he turned the corner of a shabby building into a narrow, dingy alley, eyes shifting over every corner and crevice. Setsuna searched for any signs of danger among the shadows. There should not be any, this was not a mission, but better safe than sorry. Noting with satisfaction that he was alone, he set a quick pace towards his destination. The entrance should be behind the last building, to his left, facing the end of a street on the other side of the alley - according to Lyle's directions.

Not for the first time, Setsuna wondered how the man new of such places. It was not a questionably legal joint, but people that frequented did enjoyed their anonymity and it was the perfect place for members of Celestial Being to "take a breather," as Lyle put it.

The heavy iron door gave a deep creak as he opened it, filling Setsuna's ears with indistinguishable chatter and his nostrils with cigarette smoke. He hated it; the smell, the noise, the boisterous sounds of a lively crowd, but he would go through with it. Lyle said it would help him relax—and that it was about time. In a few days, he would turn twenty-two years old. This"vacation" was Lyle's idea of a birthday present.

Setsuna kept his expression taut, gulping down a nervous lump from being in close confines with so many people as he stepped into the dimly-lit pub. A slight crease between his eyes made him unapproachable. Though he should have been trying to appear the opposite, he could not help his instinct to immediately put up defenses in crowded areas.

He had a strong urge to turn back. The probability of succeeding in this endeavour was low anyway. He would have enjoyed better the comfort of his temporary apartment he shared with Lyle in Pocitos, reading a book. Or maybe he should have gone out for a cup of coffee in one of the European style coffee chops of Montevideo.

But Lyle said…Setsuna blushed at the memory as he found a fairly isolated place at the very end of the bar and sat on a backed stool. He did not bother to take off his leather jacket or scarf, tense and ready to bolt out of there. Taking in a steady breath, he looked over at the assortment of alcohol on the opposite wall with determination.

He'd been of drinking age for a while but never felt inclined to partake in a drink, even when Hallelujah and Miss Sumeragi insisted. According to Lyle, Setsuna should not be buying drinks for himself anyway. The reminder made him shift on his stool nervously. He fixed his stare on the green countertop, bordered by polished wood to protect costumers from having anything spilled over them, and wondered how that night would end.

Again, chances of success were very low. He would probably sit there, look like a fool, get up and go back home to bed. He could not do this. How could he let himself be convinced by Lyle? The man might be as easy-going as his late older brother, but he had neither the same level of kindness or patience that Lockon would have had with Setsuna.

Lockon…Setsuna frowned as he felt a pang in his chest at the thought of his friend. It had been six years but he stilled grieved the loss. Lockon would have never egged him on like this. He would have teased Setsuna like Lyle had, but then he would have laughed, patted his shoulder like a protective older brother and said, "Don't worry about it. You don't like to be touched easily right? So just wait until you are comfortable with it."

But Lyle was different, Setsuna mused as he recalled his words; "Kid, you're twenty-two years old. Time to experience riding in other things besides your Gundam, eh," he had said with a wink and a glint of malice in his eyes.

Setsuna suspected that Lyle still resented him for killing Anew.

"Che, nene? Estas en la Tierra?"

Jolted from his revere, he looked up at the thirty-something bartender with a pleasant, if somewhat plain face. The man had spoken in Castilian.

"Tu orden?"

"Uh…" Setsuna really could not do this. "Nothing, I'm leaving," he answered coldly in English, stood up and left without looking at anyone. Eye contact could be perceived as an invitation to approach him and what he wanted was to be left alone.

So what if he was a virgin?

"Who would have known a hard-ass like you would be such a pansy when it comes to sex," Lyle said with a laugh, as he sprawled on a loveseat the next afternoon. The older man had returned a few hours ago, having been out all night, most likely in some woman's company, and Setsuna had had the pleasure of keeping the quiet apartment to himself all day.

He wished it would have remained so. He knew Lyle would question him and, upon hearing the answer, tease him ruthlessly. Not like Lockon at all.

This man isn't Lockon.

They were lounging on sleek couches in their living quarters, a spacious room with large windows spanning an entire wall and giving them a splendid view of the South Atlantic beyond the boulevard across their building. The pale walls reflected the bright light, making everything look warm and peaceful. It brought much more comfort to Setsuna than that pub from last night.

But Lyle, as predicted, was not going to let him off the hook.

"Look," Setsuna said, voice tinged with irritation, "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like it's a necessary part of my life. I can live without it."

Lyle gaped at him from across the coffee table, arms draped over the back of the loveseat. "Not a big deal? Not necessary? Bloody hell, lad, you have much left to live! Look, I'll come with you this time. I know you're a social disaster so I should've known better than to let you go alone. You engaging in a conversation with a girl would be too much to hope for."

Setsuna frowned at him.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't look at me like that! I promise you won't regret it. And it might make you less cranky."

"I'm not cranky."

"You're always tense. You won't even let anyone give you a massage. What is up with the no touching policy of yours? You have to let loose once in a while, man."

"No."

Lyle rolled his eyes and stood up. "Have it your way. Our little vacation is about to be over and who knows when you'll have the next opportunity." He turned on his heels and headed for the front door. "I'm heading out. If you change your mind, I'll be there," he said, turning the door knob before he stopped and looked over his shoulder. "You know, Sets, there's nothing better to make you forget than a woman's touch. Her voice, her skin…it's all you focus on and for a moment you can imagine being a normal man." With that he stepped out and closed the door behind him.

Setsuna sunk further into the couch, mulling over his comrade's words. "A normal man, huh?"

Lyle coped with the loss of Anew and his family by throwing himself into the arms of strange women, and clearly thought Setsuna should best cope the same way. It was stupid.

Oddly enough, Setsuna found himself retracing last night's steps to the pub.

He spotted Lyle at the center of the bar, already flirting with a young, slender Uruguayan woman with long chestnut brown hair. As he got closer, he heard her talking in broken English, to which Lyle replied that her accent was "incredibly sexy".

Setsuna did not want to interrupt so he headed for a more emptied spot—the same spot he sat in last night: at the end of the bar, next to the back door. He did not get very far.

"Hey, Sets, where are you going? Come here!"

Not being one to express his agitation outwardly, Setsuna held back a distressed groan, wondering again why he always listened to that man. Was it because he missed Lockon? Did he feel guilty for taking Anew's life right in front of Lyle's eyes? Did he feel obliged by these feelings?

"Yeah," he answered once he stood in front of Lyle and the girl. It made his stomach churn, the thought of using women in this way. He supposed some of his old traditions were still engraved in him.

"I want you to meet Cecilia. Cessy, this is my friend, Setsuna."

She acknowledged him with a polite smile and Setsuna answered it with a cold, "Hi."

Lyle leaned over and whispered, "Smile a little, Sets, geez!"

Setsuna sighed. He should have stayed home.

He took a seat next to Lyle, ignoring him as he conversed, drank and laughed with his lady friend. Lyle had ordered a bottle of red wine and three wine glasses. The bottle was soon emptied but Setsuna was still on his first, still full. He glared at it, berating himself again for coming. He just was no good with this type of thing.

He was so deep in brooding that he did not realized he had become the topic of conversation between Lyle and Cecilia until he felt a gentle touch on his upper arm. That sent all his inner alarms blaring and he quickly snatched his arm away, turning his head with every intention to growl at the person who dared invade his personal space. He caught himself looking at Cecilia's surprised countenance.

The girl brought her hands up and said, "Oh, sorry! I scare you?"

With a small frown between his eyes, Setsuna shook his head. "No…but please don't do that again."

A loud sigh from Lyle's direction had them both look his way. The man stood, and with a smirk, grabbed Setsuna's arm, pulling him out of his seat. "Grab your jacket. We're leaving," he said. "If we wait until you acquire some people skills, by some miracle, then you'll never get laid."

Quite suddenly Setsuna felt his whole face grow hot, and he could not stop himself from goggling at the man's audacity. "W-what!"

"C'mon. Cessy here is going to help."

Setsuna felt humiliated, embarrassed and enraged, but, as always, as life had taught him, he refused to express these feelings and allowed himself to be manipulated out of the pub.

It was only a few blocks from their apartment building. As he was dragged behind Lyle into the elevator that would take them to their floor, with the strange woman in tow, Setsuna wondered what would happen once they got to their apartment. How would this day end?

He had a pretty accurate idea but how would he handle it?

Sex. Even though he did not believe in God anymore, the idea that self-pleasure was dirty was carved into him. Because of hormones during puberty, he had masturbated once, a long time ago, before coming to Celestial Being; and then a few more times over the years. Each time he felt unreasonably guilty. Intellectually, he knew there was nothing wrong with it, that touching one's self was perfectly natural, but the extreme Islamic Wahhabism that Ali Al Sachez used to brainwash him into terrorism had probably left mental scars.

The elevator doors opened and Lyle let them down the hall. The walk seemed to take longer than usual. The jingling of keys was heard, the clicking of one being inserted, another click and the door was unlocked. There was a strong arm around his shoulders. Since when was Lyle so big? For the first time, Setsuna realized how much smaller he was.

That was when it came to him; his situation and what Lyle intended to have him do. He was scared.

Another click. This time the light switch. There were more clicks…more like clacks…the woman's heels.

The arm around his shoulder brought him closer to Lyle, his chest pressed against the taller man's. Broad and hard. The feeling of Lyle's taut abdominal muscles against his side caused something in his stomach to jump and flutter at the contact. His ears were burning. It became worse when Lyle's chest came down, rubbing against his own, as he bent over to whisper in his ear. Setsuna suppressed a shudder.

"Hey, relax. This will feel good and you'll thank me later. That frown you always wear might even disappear for once. And don't worry about screwing up. Cessy will take good care of you."

At the mention of the woman, the heat on his face and the pleasant tingling in his stomach vanished, replaced by revulsion and cold sweat. The comfort of Lyle's arm left him suddenly and he was left alone in the apartment with that woman.

This time Setsuna did not bother to stop a groan of distress.

The sound of the door closing firmly behind Lyle had such a final sound that Setsuna almost ran to the bathroom and shut himself in. Of course, he would do no such thing. He was not a child. He was a man and he would face this situation.

"So," said her soft voice from behind him, "where iz your room?"

Setsuna said nothing. He stood, contemplating his options. What should he do? Should he send her out?

"Che," her voice sounded closer and soon she merged into his line of sight. She was very pretty and Setsuna's same height with high-heels on. She had beautiful lips, pale skin and soft brown eyes, but he felt no desire for her.

Smiling, she gently wrapped his hand in her own as if he were some frightened animal about to bolt at the slightest sign of aggression. She was probably right, though it was not aggression but her sensual gentility that unnerved him.

"It's okay," she said as she helped him off his jacket and scarf, throwing the garments on the couch carelessly. "Just relax."

Cecilia looked to the side, spotted something and pulled him towards it—his bedroom door, he noticed. Not that Cecilia knew it was his; she apparently decided it did not matter.

Everything after that was a haze, a confusion of dull sounds and lights. He sat on the soft mattress as the woman undressed in front of him, but he was not watching. Something was wrong. He did not want to be there. He was going to be sick.

The woman sat down next to him fully naked. She was all soft curves, great body, a slight tummy and smooth, beautiful skin. At a glance, he caught sight of her fully shaved crotch and quickly looked away. From his peripheral he saw breasts bounce as she lied down next to him on her elbows. Her hand took his, and with that slow sensuality that unnerved him, she brought it up to a breast and that was what snapped him out of his terrified paralysis.

His father's voice rang in his ears as if he were right there, in that room, chastising him about how sacred women were. How they had to be protected not defiled; the values of loyalty and respect. When Setsuna was five years old, he had curled his lips at the thought of kissing girls when his father spoke of marriage. "Be faithful to the one you love, the one God chose for you."

Ali Al Sachez was there, hovering over him, saying women were weak and made men weak, that his lust for them was a sin defiling his own body which rightfully belonged to God and to God's spokesmen. He showed the boys what happened to women who corrupted men with their wiles because they were not appropriately covered, remembered the screams and pleads of the madman's victims: women and the boys who had looked at them. How he had to hold in his bile and was beaten to a pulp when he caved in and puked at the sight.

Then he saw his mother's face, strangely vivid in his mind, as was her warm embrace around his tiny body, and he remembered her soft breasts as he was held to them, a feeling of pure bliss and safety enveloping him. In his mother's arms, he would understand his father's words. Women were sacred. To be protected not defiled.

And suddenly he was in his little home that night, so late that most residents in town were asleep. His parents' worried questions, their pale, horrified faces when he pulled out a gun. They were corrupted. This was for the best. The will of God, he had thought. A loud, deafening bang and his father's pained expression before it stiffened in death. His poor mother's trembling voice asking "why?" Two more echoing bangs and she was…

Gone. Everyone was gone. After years of fighting for a warmonger and a non-existent totalitarian God, he was the only one left, sullied and used, until he was picked up by Celestial Being where he would feel clean again.

Setsuna snatched his hand and stood swiftly. He glared at the woman fiercely and cried hoarsely, "Never touch me again!" He ran out of the room and the apartment altogether.

The sun dipped behind the buildings to the west, taking with it any small bit of warmth, and the cold salty air bit into his face. He had forgotten his leather jacket and scarf and had on only his black skinny jeans and a thin, long sleeve, v-neck shirt out in the chilly weather of early April.

He had no idea where he was headed until he heard the distant soft rushing of the ocean from across the street, where it was hidden behind an expanse of tall dunes. The sky on that side was already beginning to darken, littered with faint stars.

He decided he would go to the beach and walk off his terrible childhood memories—something a woman's touch seemed to trigger rather than helped him forget. He turned his steps in that direction and ran across the street. Images and voices rushing through his mind, he did not bother to look for traffic when the sudden screech of a car jolted him back to reality.

The bumper of a car tapped against his leg as it came into a sudden stop. His heart gave a painful jump and raced with the impacting realization of what had just occurred. Of what could have occurred.

He gasped, shaken and frozen on the spot. The driver burst out of the car.

"Are you alright," the man asked, grabbing his upper arm painfully hard. "What the hell? Who runs into a street like that?" The voice was deep, throaty and familiar.

Setsuna looked up and met with a striking visage. The right side of the man's face was covered with burn scars.

Shit! Setsuna cursed his own recklessness. It was Federation Army officer Graham Aker, the man that had an obsession with his Gundam. The man's blue eyes suddenly blazed with angry recognition upon looking at Setsuna's face.

"Boy!"

Setsuna glared at the man, then down at the grip on his arm which he was sure was not going to release him any time soon.

Before they could make a scene that would expose Celestial Being's presence, Setsuna pushed the man into the car seat, trying to dislodge him. Graham Aker landed on the seat with a sharp gasp but refused to let go, and, being roughly pulled along, Setsuna ended up on his lap awkwardly.

"Let go."

"I don't think so."

Setsuna was growing quite self-conscious sitting on the older man's lap like a child. Inside the tight space of the car, sprawled gracelessly on the driver's seat, he had to lean down close to Graham Aker's face.

Fighting back the urge to squirm uncomfortably, he said, "We're causing a scene. You need to let go."

Graham sneered, looked over his shoulder at the honking line of vehicles, some swerving to the next lane and driving past shouting obscenities. Graham slew his head around abruptly and forcefully threw Setsuna further into the car.

As he was shoved further in, Setsuna straightened up in the passenger's seat, ready to high-tail it, but Graham swiftly took a gun out and pointed it subtly at Setsuna's side, low enough not to be noticed by witnesses. "Hands where I can see them. You're coming with me, Celestial Being!"

Damn it, he thought. This was not exactly his idea of a vacation: captured by the Federation.

On the plus side, Setsuna had a handgun holstered in his pants, covered by the shirt, and a smaller pistol strapped at is ankle. He prepared for the worst.


	2. Fate

The boy was now a man, observed Graham. Far from the scrawny child he had seen five years ago. He looked nervous, though he hid it well from the untrained eye. Graham no longer held any hatred towards him, yet he could not help but vindictively enjoy his captive's unease. Question was, what was he going to do with him? He was not ready to give him up to the Federation yet. He was on a three day break and he did not like the idea of leaving the young man at the hands of the government while not being able to monitor what was going on.

In truth, however, the main reason was due more out of honor. Graham owed him one. Just one. But despite that, Graham could not just let him go, not after years of chasing him. At the very least, he wanted to know who he had been fighting with.

At the moment, the only option was to take the young man to his beach house in Punta del Este. Most routes in Uruguay where scenic; it was a gorgeous if very small country. The splendor of the Atlantic to their left accompanied them throughout the entire journey down Claudio Williman Road. It was not far from where they fatefully bumped into each other once again.

Graham holstered his gun to park in front of a two story, white-washed rustic house that stood right across the street from a semi-private beach. The young man's large eyes scanned him warily. Graham had never seen him up close before and noticed the unique shade of maroon of his irises.

They're beautiful, thought Graham.

Without warning, the young man drew a handgun and pointed it at him but Graham was quick, had expected it, sensed it. He snatched his wrist and slammed it against the dashboard, making him drop it with a cry of pain. Graham then took hold of the other wrist and, lunging his weight forward, pinned the young man against his seat with his wrists on either side of his head.

"Are we gonna do this the hard way or the civil way? It's up to you, Celestial Being, and personally I don't want to get blood in my new car!"

Glaring up at him, the young man flared his nostrils angrily but grew lax in Graham's grip. "Why did you bring me here?"

"I'll be asking the questions," retorted Graham. "Why is Celestial Being in this country? It's always been a peaceful one."

Looking him straight in the eye, the young man answered firmly, "I'm not here on a mission."

Graham scoffed, "Can Celestial Being afford to take a break?"

The young man did not answer.

After a short pause, he asked with a more civil tone, "When we first met I introduced myself, but you never told me your name."

For a split second, the young man seemed to contemplate something before answering, "My name is Setsuna F. Seiei."

Considering that "Setsuna" did not look Japanese, Graham said, "That's not your real name, is it?"

Setsuna looked away without responding.

Deciding it was best to check him for more weapons before releasing him, Graham patted him down perfunctorily and found a small pistol strapped to his ankle. He took that and the handgun that had slid down the dashboard to rest against the windshield and stuffed them both into his pants, then withdrew back to his own seat.

After a tense moment, he wracked up the calm to speak again. "There is one thing that I always wanted to ask you, Setsuna. Why? Why did you become the pilot of a Gundam? You couldn't have been seriously trying to eradicate war through force. And you were too young to be piloting a war machine in the first place."

A pregnant pause ensued and just as Graham thought that Setsuna would not answer him, his large, maroon eyes pinned him with an intense stare. There was so much in them, despite the young man's control over his facial features. Poised yet passionate. Everything about him had always been a contradiction.

"Why do you need to know so badly," asked Setsuna softly.

Graham remembered everything; remembered their first encounter, Setsuna's adolescent jibes and his impulsive, all-or-nothing manner of fighting that was typical of a child-soldier; remembered his desperate determination during the momentous battle five years ago that had scarred Graham; and he remembered their final battle. What Graham had initially thought with disappointment was a weakened fighting spirit, had truly been Setsuna's hard-earned maturity. He had transformed, become a man at peace with himself. Even as Graham had found purpose in battle, had decided to live and die by the sword, Setsuna had taken the opposite path.

After that final defeat, Graham had felt an overwhelming desire to know what drove the young man he had obsessed over for so long—it was the only thing that had kept him from committing seppuku. How could he express all of that into words?

"Last time you said to me: fight to live. Ever since...I have only desired to understand what those words meant. You found an answer, a truth that only you understand. I thought I had found mine years ago but...now I don't know. I need to understand."

Much to Graham's surprise, Setsuna gave him a small smile and nodded as if his explanation had made perfect sense. His entire demeanor changed, body language more complacent. For some reason, Graham felt like that moment was the most important in his life—as if the path that Fate had pushed him towards was for this. This was his destination.

"Okay," said Setsuna, and he told Graham everything as if spilling his guts out to his enemy was the most natural thing to do. He talked about his life in Krugis and the man that kidnapped him, conditioned him under the extremist views of Wahhabist Islam. Of course, Graham thought. That was something that even in the twenty-fourth century still plagued the middle east: kidnapping and brainwashing small children into terrorism.

Until Celestial Being came. There had not been a single terrorist movement in years.

Graham was finally beginning to understand. He did not condone Setsuna's actions, but it was difficult to have a hard-line view of such a mitigated case.

Setsuna told him about the war that destroyed his home country, admitted his fear of suicide bombing and due to such insanity, how he gradually came to realize the deception and evil of religions and his conclusive disbelief in God. His eyes seemed to light up as he told Graham about the Gundam that had saved him, of how Aeola Shenberg's ideals revived him, gave him purpose.

It seemed to Graham that Setsuna had not fully killed God but exchanged one for another: the Gundam. His faith in the power of the Gundam combined with his own will were insurmountable.

"I knew only how to fight," said Setsuna. "I thought that was the only way I could bring about peace. And I so wanted it. I was angry all the time but that anger was subtle—I hadn't realize it was stitched so deeply in me. That anger...it was under everything I thought and felt, twisted me up inside. Because the world made little sense to me—it was twisted too and I wanted to tear that twistedness out."

Graham recalled their battle five years ago, how the boy had cried, "You've become twisted!" He had referred to Graham's hatred. A hatred Celestial Being had implanted in him. Graham had spit back, "You made me this way!"

In face of Setsuna's childhood story, Graham now understood the madness that had infected him back then, infected them both, pushing them into conflict. He saw the "twistedness" that Setsuna had so desperately tried to combat but only made worse.

"But instead," continued Setsuna, "we plunged the world into greater chaos—gave the governments an excuse to tighten their hold over people's lives and commit even worse atrocities. It was then that I understood that I could not reform the world as I was—as nothing more than the guerrilla fighter I was in Krugis, only with a Gundam. I needed to reform myself.

Imagine if everyone made that decision. To stop trying to control the world and what other people did and instead looked within themselves for change and for that dormant ability they have to understand others. If everyone evolved, we could truly begin to understand each other at a deeper level, mind to mind. And...the truth is: you cannot hate something you understand. Governments cannot manipulate their people into war if they cannot breed hate in them.

And the day we finally move out into deep space, it won't be as the war-infected, hate-mongering society we are now. If we learn to understand each other, we can learn to understand what is out there. I know now that, that cannot happen through force, not because a government or organization oppresses people into a false peace, or because religions manipulate the fears and avarice of a tormented people...it has to happen through our own will. Because each one of us decided to take that step, turn that seemingly impossible dream into a reality.

Perhaps that method is more hopeless than the eradication of war through armed force, but I believe that with my Gundam I can do it. Plant the seed of the future and make it grow and not through fighting. I have so much left to do. I haven't stopped reforming myself yet."

Setsuna turned his head to look outside his window where the sky glowed orange above the rooftops. The light of the setting sun lit his eyes, made them gleam nearly red. A fitting eye color for such a passionate youth, thought Graham.

He still remembered the unbearable humiliation and loathing that Celestial Being had roused from him in the past, and yet he could not even dredge up annoyance at that moment. After all, most child soldiers either did not live to see adulthood or they became the worst scum of the planet. This one somehow had a pure streak a mile wide. That in itself was a feat worth noting.

"So your goal is a "brotherhood of man". Isn't that from the Koran?" Graham laughed at the irony.

Turning to face him head on, Setsuna said, "Yeah. So?"

When Graham laughed harder, Setsuna's face split into a grin. He looked beautiful.

"You know," Graham started after he calmed down, "A man sometimes thinks he has another man figured out, but never does. The entire time I was changing myself, mind and body, to be purely skilled in war so that I could defeat you...you were reforming yourself to be skilled in making peace. No wonder I had thought you'd gone soft! But you hadn't. You'd become stronger. I was no match for you."

The way Setsuna looked at him made him look older than his years. It stirred something inside Graham's chest.

"I was a fool," he added.

"No," replied Setsuna softly. "You did what you had to. Would you understand any of this now if you hadn't made the choices you did?"

"You are too young to be so wise." Graham sighed and let his head fall back against the car seat.

One thing that the young man had said stuck with him: "You cannot hate what you understand."

How could he deliver the Gundam pilot to the Federation now, knowing what he did? A lesser soldier with no warrior will of his own would have, but a lesser soldier would not have asked Setsuna: "why?"

They sat in contemplative silence until he heard Setsuna mutter, "Graham Aker..."

"Yeah?"

"What was that about love you mentioned all those years ago?" The young man's voice sounded amused.

"What?"

"You had told me you came to hate the Gundams—that I can understand. But what did you mean about love?"

Graham chortled softly. "I was there at the AEU's testing exhibition when you made your first intervention. I witnessed the whole thing. What can I say? It was love at first sight."

Setsuna laughed, softly at first, then it grew, a youthful sound full of mirth. Even his laugh his fucking gorgeous, Graham thought, and suddenly realized that the kid was making him soft. "Shit!"

That seemed to sober Setsuna up. "What is it?"

"Nothing. What the hell am I going to do with you?"

"You're going to let me go."

Those words were like a gunshot to his stomach. Graham sat up and leaned in close to him. "What if I don't want to let you go," his whispered, his voice sounding far more intimate than he had intended.

Leaning away slightly, a delicate crease formed between Setsuna's eyes as he stared up at Graham. He opened his mouth as if to speak but then closed it and looked down. Strangely, that show of coyness made Graham swallow hard. "I want to continue this conversation inside," he said. "It's getting dark."

Setsuna nodded.

"You're surprisingly compliant," observed Graham.

"Because...you said you want to understand me. I am willing to do the same with you. Someone once told me: that is the true path to peace. I didn't agree back then. But I want to take that step now."

Stymied, Graham realized that therein was the reason why he felt like this meeting, and the young man's cooperation, were so momentous. He nodded solemnly and led Setsuna into his vacation home. Graham turned on the light to reveal a large room with a high ceiling of dark wood beams, a red stone floor, white walls and tall windows framed with dark wood, overlooking a lush garden. Pale drapes hung delicately from them. It was a sitting room with modern but rustic furniture. A stairway curved down towards the entry hall and an archway seemed to lead to the kitchen.

"Beautiful home," said Setsuna.

"Thanks," Graham replied automatically, but his mind was elsewhere. He was growing concerned with the emotions that Setsuna's story roused in him. For once, he damned himself for being a Virgo.

"Can't believe I'm in the home of a Federation officer."

"Yeah, well, life is unpredictable."

"It sure is."

Graham turned to him. "What were you running from?"

Setsuna looked confused. "What?"

"When you ran in front of my car, you were running from something. That much is clear."

Having expected to be shrugged off, Graham did not expect Setsuna's eyes to widen as a fierce blush lit up his cheeks. The young man turned his face away to hide his reaction but Graham had already seen it.

Interesting, he thought. "What happened?"

"Nothing!"

"Oh, please, look at you! You were so calm and in control while telling me the horrors you witnessed as a child but now you suddenly lose it at the thought of whatever it is that made you run? Must be something big."

"It's none of your business!"

Such an emotional response only fueled Graham's fascination. This was the abrasive boy he had met during their first clash—as if something had caused him to regress to his old, defensive self. Once again, he simply could not get enough of him.

Graham grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him against the wall of the stairway. "Considering that I nearly killed you and was able to capture you because of it, I do think it's my business. Fate is at work here and I need to know."

Looking up, Setsuna raised an eyebrow at him. "First love, now fate? You're a strange one."

"Takes one to know one."

With a sigh, Setsuna closed his eyes and shook his head. "I..." he began, then thought better of it and sighed again. He looked away and whispered, "I ran from a girl."

"Come again?"

Setsuna turned to glare at him briefly before shyly looking away again. "I ran from a girl, okay!"

"You...ran from a girl?"

Setsuna nodded, ears bright red sticking out from his black, wavy locks. "Like I said: it's none of your business!"

"Now I have to hear this!"

"I said it's nothing!"

"Oh, it's something, all right. A bonefied Gundam pilot scared of women? This is rich!"

This earned him an intense glare from Setsuna, which made something in his stomach jump funnily. It was disconcerting that after everything Celestial Being made him go through, and after all that Setsuna told him of himself, that he would find himself growing attracted to the younger man. He had to put an end to this.

Clearing his throat, Graham let go of his shoulder and stepped back. "I won't hand you over to the Federation today, you have my word. Consider us even now."

Setsuna pulled himself away from the wall and walked further into the room, looking around. Graham watched him for a moment. He was dressed in a well tailored shirt and pair of jeans that hugged his lithe figure perfectly. He was a little on the short side, and Graham himself was not a tall man. Anyone on the outside would never guess this was the Gundam pilot for the white Gundam that had devastated armies.

From afar they would see a normal young man, probably a college student. Up close, however, they would see the intensity of his stare, the tiny, almost unnoticeable nicks and scars on his face. They would sense he was different, but civilians never thought beyond the superficial. Beyond a quiet and private individual, they would never guess at the extraordinary strength and passion that simmered just beneath the surface of Setsuna F. Seiei.

He was a rare gem, rarer than a hundred caret diamond. Graham felt it would be a shame to let him go, but let him go he must. In an alternate universe where the world was not so "twisted", Graham would have asked him out for coffee. And if Setsuna batted for Graham's team, he would have asked him out.

Such a shame, he thought. "I'll go make coffee," he said as he walked towards the kitchen. "Just make yourself at home."

"You're just going to turn your back on your enemy while he's standing in your home?"

"Are we enemies today?" Graham stopped but did not turn around.

"...I guess today we're not."

That's right. Today, we're only going to understand each other. Graham allowed himself a small smile and went into the kitchen. As he put a tea kettle to boil water and dropped coffee grains into a cloth filter he held over a mug, he remained attuned to Setsuna's movements. He could hear him walking around, stopping now and then to look at something that caught his interest.

Reason dictated he should drive Setsuna back to the city, not sit and have coffee with him. But he could not let him go just yet. Just a bit longer, he told himself. Who knew when they would meet again like this, if ever. The world was peaceful now, more than it has ever been, but things were still uncertain.

Returning with two mugs of steaming coffee which he placed on the thick, oaken coffee table, he sat on the plush, white couch and motioned Setsuna to sit next to him. The act seemed both unreal and natural. The young man settled rather close to him, and Graham doubted it was intentional, but it brought him the sudden urge to occupy his hands. He reached for his cup and took a sip.

"Thanks," muttered Setsuna, and brought his own cup to his lips.

Graham watched him from the corner of his eye. The kid had good features: straight nose, perfectly marked lips, angular jawline and large, expressive eyes. Stop it, he told himself. Besides he's like ten years your junior.

"Setsuna, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever been in a relationship?" When Setsuna did not answer, Graham added dryly, "That wasn't with your Gundam."

"Of course not. I never had the..." He seemed unable to finish and Graham winced at his own carelessness.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"It's fine."

"So why were you running from that girl?"

Setsuna sent him a vexed glance. "I thought we were done talking about it?"

"Does it have something to do with your inexperience with women?"

Sighing, Setsuna leaned forward and placed his mug rather hard on the table. When he threw himself back to sprawl on the couch he seemed resigned. His lips parted several times as if he was trying to find the words to say but none seem to fit. Finally, he said, "Every time a girl gets close to me...I see my mother. I still...I haven't gotten over what had happened."

Graham was rendered speechless. That was rather unexpected and hard to take.

"I think...I'm not right," continued Setsuna.

Shaking his head, Graham turned his body towards Setsuna to give him his full attention with an arm draped over the back of the couch and his knee coming to rest on the seat. "No. You're fine. What happened to you isn't something you just forget and pretend didn't happen. If you didn't have issues with it, then it would be worrisome. I'm just sorry that something like that has affected your social life."

He waited for a response and when Setsuna nodded, he continued, "However if you are on the path to reform yourself for the better, you need to face this. You're strong, stronger than most."

Setsuna rested his head over the back of the couch, seeming to contemplate Graham's words. "The girl, she was a hook up," he confessed quietly. "A friend said the same thing you did. But when she took her clothes off, I felt nothing for her. And when she pressed my hand to her breast, that's when I ran. And I felt bad for it, but I just don't know why I feel bad."

"So you feel nothing for a naked woman?"

Shaking his head, Setsuna answered, "I'm not misguided by extremist views anymore, but I think that deep in me those roots still have a firm hold over me. And I worked so hard to change the way I see things, but I can't seem to shake this."

The poor kid looked truly distraught at his own confusion and Graham wanted to comfort him. Perhaps Setsuna did not realize that Islamic extremists still felt lust for women, they simply considered it a weakness, but they did not, could not, completely suppress it. Graham suspected that his confusion stemmed from something other than his Islamic past. Something that might or might not freak the young man out. Something more in common with Graham's own lack of interest in women.

Setsuna was difficult to predict: so strong and willing to overcome every personal flaw, yet damaged and fragile, as well. Since Graham did not know when they would meet again, he thought it was now or never. But he had to tread carefully. It was a delicate matter.

"Setsuna, I think I know what your real issue is...but before I tell you, you must promise me you won't take it the wrong way, okay?"

Setsuna turned his face to blink at him. "Okay."

Graham cleared his throat. They were interrupted by a loud buzzard. Graham swore under his breath and got up to look through the small, arched window on the door. He swore again when he saw who it was.

"Billy!"

"What?"

Graham slew around just as he saw Setsuna stand up on alert. "You gotta hide!"

Eyes wide, Setsuna nodded and swiftly made his way upstairs. After waiting a few moments to give the young man time, he drew in a breath and turned to open the door. "Billy! What are you doing here?"

His friend shot him a tense smile. "Hey, Graham. Can I come in?"

"Of course!" Stepping aside to let Billy in, he asked, "What are you doing in Uruguay?"

His friend's grave demeanor told him that something was wrong. Billy made his way further in before turning around, his expression serious. "I came to see you. I thought you might be interested to know: Intel has located Celestial Being and they're right here, where you're vacationing. In your own words, my friend, it must be fate!"


End file.
